Memos – Garden Sheds A Major Cause of Global Warming

Subject: A new fictional study finds that garden sheds are a major cause of Global Warming.

Disclaimer

This fictional memo has been produced by a fictional team of world experts. It has no basis in reality and any similarities are purely coincidental.

Introduction

With extreme urgency a comprehensive fictional scientific analysis of garden sheds in relation to  anthropomorphic global warming theory was commissioned.  An imaginary team of experts has gathered together the the fictional facts. The memo is just a small sample of the available data.

Results

The top issues relating to garden sheds significantly increasing global warming.

Shed roofs – garden sheds being made of flexible material are very bouncy and solar energy bounces off the roof at hyperbolically accelerated speeds causing atmospheric friction as the shed induced thermals rise to the upper atmosphere.

Wooden walls – these magnify oscillations of men (allegedly) working in sheds. Thus setting up sound waves which cause micro seismic events releasing energy from the earths core. The combined output of millions of sheds is causing thermal fracking.

DIY – sheds are the number one cause of energy use in the home. The male obsession with power tools is encouraged by sheds increasing available space.

Shed glow – yes fictional scientific research has found that the unique structural configuration of garden sheds causes “shed glow”. This is a major concern, even when a shed is not in use shed glow can be a significant energy issue. Shed glow is totally invisible to everyone except for patented technology which for important reasons can only be used by approved experts. These experts have had to undertake extensive global warming training to be able to handle this breakthrough cutting edge technology.

Carbon emissions – Numerous studies have discovered dangerously high levels of carbon dioxide emissions from sheds. Links to empty drinks cans have been refuted by shed emissions deniers. However tracking of carbonated drinks has revealed a trend of can accumulation within the shed structure. This has been shown to lead to the dangerous activity of can opening, which has been shown as one of the most significant releases of carbon dioxide on the planet. An anonymous spokesman for the covert can consumers consortium has refuted this stating that “Cans are needed to improve the structural integrity of the shed structure, and that occasional leakage due to high winds or sporting events is minimal.”

Adverse affect on renewable energy sources. This surprising fact was discovered when analysis of wind patterns showed that the number one cause for loss of wind flow over wind turbines is due to sheds. The baffle effect of sheds acting like brakes on wind flow, know as “Gust Dampening.” These “Air Brakes” cause major “Wind Absorption Vibration Energy Suction” or WAVES. This is explained by a matrix of sheds known as a “Shed Array” which produces a deflection pattern, converting ground level wind energy in to a “Focused to Space Energy Beam” which super heats the upper atmosphere.

Nails – The number one structural connector in sheds. As fixings go the humble nail may not seem like the seventh most important factor in shed emissions. However we all know how “disinformation sources”, and “deniers” will overlook important research when it suits their agenda. Simple metal nails made of iron, focus the earths magnetic field. When used in non-magnetic structures like wooden sheds, this intensifies the effects. Magnetic Magnification causing a global distortion of particles, creates a lens affect. It is well known that towns and cities are generally a degree or two hotter than the surrounding countryside. Experts have agreed that the sun has no effect on global warming. So what is the real cause? Shed Nail Amplification Intensity Lens Scorching, or SNAILS forcing particulates in the air to create searing heat rays that generate massive particle beams that bounce off buildings and boil the urban landscape.

Errors – Yes sheds cause computer model errors. The reason that climate models have had some discrepancies with what is happening in the real world is now obvious. Sheds were overlooked in the earlier algorithms. This data hole caused significant prediction errors, which is clearly why we are now in a “Climate Emergency.”

Communication – Sheds are a significant barrier to communication of the “facts.” Just as pubs have been a major contributor to “Un-Fact Checked” communication. Sheds are a disinformation multiplier. Luckily the lock-downs have reduced the number of pubs and people who use them can now be tracked by apps. However grass roots climate activists are now pushing for shed monitoring, as sheds may become a haven for climate change deniers.

Gardening – Sheds encourage people to grow plants. Why is this a major problem? People drive to garden centres. An independent global think tank, has determined that to save the planet everyone should buy efficiently produced corporate products. Sheds encourage independent activities which are not streamlined for economies of scale. As an interim policy world leaders are calling for Unconscious Shed Bias Courses, Shed Licences, and Licenced Shed Operators. Human rights activists have objected saying these policies omit help for shed addicts. They have demanded that such people be treated with compassion and a gradual phase out of sheds should be promoted to avoid shed withdrawal symptoms. Climate changes experts have rebuked this saying the planet does not have time to shed sheds. The effects of shed bans could be mitigated with virtual sheds.

Praise the dear leader.