Memos – Global Warming

Subject

The causes of global warming.

Disclaimer

This is a fictional product of advanced calculations by a team of mice.

Introduction

A highly motivated team of top numerical experts have found the major causes of global warming. It is not what you think.

Modern Global Warming Causes

Top of the list is making cups of tea. Yes the vast amount of energy used every day heating water to make tea is dwarfing all other causes. Companies world wide are working with governments to save the planet. Banning tea breaks is one of the many things that can be done.

Ironing – yes hot irons, just sitting on the board, emitting vast amounts of thermal energy. Then when people use them to iron, all the extra physical activity is cause extra energy expenditure, not to mention people breathing out CO2, as a result of all that work.

Phone calls – yes not only do the phones use energy, and cell phones heat up the atmosphere just like your microwave oven heats lunch. They also increase CO2 emissions from all those people talking.

Portable USB devices – yes the vast amounts of gadgets guzzling global energy resources.

Television – while it generally gets people sitting still not doing much, lowering their personal CO2 emissions. All those televisions are draining the planets power. Think of the energy needed to put up communications satellites. Yes one of the best ways to save the planet is to give up television.

Nail painting – the scientific consensus has shown that through energy wave amplification and the manufacture and distribution of nail adornment products, combined with the actions of application of these creates massive carbon emissions.

Pets – producing all the food, and associated products such as feeding bowls, cages, leads, care products and veterinary facilities is like running a small petrol car. The research was uncovered in a report looking at overpopulation and how pets help people to remain healthy and live longer.

Hair dressing – the chemicals alone create mountains of toxic pollution and all those salons combined with customer travel globally account for the CO2 emissions of a small country the size of China. This data was obtained from an unbiased independent report from the Head Lice Have Rights group.

Pharmaceuticals -  these are regular use items and if you were to pour them in to a receptacle annually they would fill a swimming pool the size of lake Geneva. The carbon emissions are massive, not just in production, but a vast distribution network contributes to twenty percent of the global carbon emissions. This according to a team of highly qualified cartoon pixies.

Computer games – though not used by as many people as televisions. They account for nearly 7 percent of the global energy market. The production of consoles, computers, joysticks, head gear, and seats alone uses 2 percent of the worlds industrial resources. The energy used is staggering, when you factor in fast food deliveries because gamers can’t leave their seats. The bandwidth and associated energy to run servers, hubs and the internet facilities has according to some experts dwarfed listening to the radio.

Movies – No, watching on line is just as bad as going to the cinema or using solid media. A team of expert moles concluded after watching a wide range of movies, that their was no merit in keeping the industry. Their tunnels were overheating because movie goers were less likely to have gardens. A team of chipmunks has been assigned to analyse the very complex report that is still not fully understood.

Politicians – In a recent report by the Leprechaun Association For Fun (LAFF) they came to two major findings. 1) Politicians are responsible for more hot air then all the worlds hair dryers combined. 2) Politicians stop people enjoying themselves and having fun. Put bluntly politicians are to fear porn what hypochondriacs are to illness.

Usery or the charging of interest – A global team has failed in the challenge to climb every debt mountain. The spokes person said, that nearly every country has an immense mountain of debt, and the team were soon exhausted trying to climb them all. They said their moral collapsed when they tried to find a route to the top of the US debt mountain. Economists commented that it was an impossible task as the debt keeps becoming bigger, you can never reach the peak. Others claim that there is a direct link between global warming and fractional reserve banking, showing the Ponzi scheme like mathematics, makes paying back the debt reliant on ever increasing expansion of borrowing. Controversy rages over the bankers being the number one cause of global warming. Attempts to interview heads of state who had issued interest free currency, proved fruitless as they had all been assassinated.

Ice Cream – Politicians have just received a report from an expert team of government advisors. They were helped with generous unbiased donations from oligarchs who hang out with international bankers. Ice cream manufacturing and consumption is top of the list in causing global warming and all governments must act to radically reduce Ice Cream consumption. The team also reported that “banking has no effect on climate change”.

Coffee – Yes drinking coffee which keeps people awake. Sleeping people have lower carbon emissions. Not to mention the global coffee trade. This came for a report on looking at the practicality of human hibernation.

Partying – Parties have got to stop. In a controversial new report from MELONS (Movement Environmental Lower Our Normal State) know by conspiracy theorists as Commies. Fun increases carbon emissions, parties represent the most prominent form of fun. It all starts with Ice Cream and Jelly said a spokes person. Yet more evidence for Ice Cream being a major driver of climate change. However the brewing industry did not escape in a scathing report, detailing all the major vectors of fun which have to be stopped.

Fashion – Getting back to basics keeping clothing the same an consistent. Mao had it right said a major fabric producer with a surplus of green material. Carbon emissions from changing cloths is causing people to keep their heating up high. If they stopped changing cloths they would not get cold and have to use heating.

Drink – Alcohol is an intrinsic component of people enjoying themselves and must be stopped. This is the conclusion of Reduce Emissions Directly Society (REDS). Emissions from alcohol related activities account for over half the worlds carbon emissions, according to the GULAG (Give Us Limited Activities Group)  report.

Wearing ties – each tie has a massive carbon footprint, from production to wearing one. Ties are used to smarten clothing, thus causing increased sales which causes more CO2 emissions.

Praise the dear leader.