Memos – Why Joy must be stopped

Subject: Joy as the major driver of climate change

Disclaimer

This is obviously a fictional memo and any similarities to the real world are purely coincidental. No animals were harmed in the making of this memo.

Introduction

This memo discusses the need for a ban on joy as people having fun is clearly the main cause of climate change and environmental degradation.

The Fictionally “Fact Checked” Facts

We all know that the mediaeval warm period was caused by knights jousting. All those horse emissions, the crowds of people cheering exhaling vast amounts of carbon dioxide. So we must stop people attending venues that encourage cheering and animals. No more pets, equestrian events, concerts and parties.

Experts have done extensive studies and found that mountains are getting lower due to erosion from climbers. Hikers are the number one cause of soil erosion. The decline in fish stocks is directly related to noise disturbance from bathers.

A recent unbiased study funded by anti-depressant medication makers. Found that happiness from people having fun was a major cause of depression depravation. This was having a serious affect on sales of medication leading to threats to jobs in the pharmaceutical industry.

People enjoying themselves down the pub was one of the most significant causes of global warming, the patio heaters, travel to the venues, and all that CO2 from carbonated drinks.

People enjoying themselves was encouraging hoarding. Men have been known to keep extra cans of booze just in-case their mates drop by. This should not be confused with billionaires well stocked wine cellars. Clearly billionaires are not hoarding, this is clearly diversification of investments into liquid assets.

Parties, pubs and other social events lead to unmonitored communications. This is dangerous because people may hear things that have not been fact checked. Such events may also be encouraging non-inclusive jokes, such as, “A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman all go into a pub.” This is clearly a racist, sexist and discriminatory, as it does not allow for people who don’t go into pubs.

Ice cream is the main cause of ice melting, according to new research just in from MICE (Melting Ice Committee of Experts). Frozen treats need energy to keep cool this power is causing global warming. Ice Cream may also contribute to obesity and the burden on the health sector and increased fuel use transporting heavier mass over distance.

Laughing must be banned to reduce human emissions. Shouting and Singing should also be banned according to Acoustic Emissions Control Committee. Smiling is one of the worst contributors to global warming, when people smile they are happy and happy people want to do things. Doing things consumes resources which contributes to climate change.

Music is just producing far to much joy. Dancing and Jogging are dramatically increasing human carbon emissions, so it must targeted for reduction. Altering music to make it even worse than it already is, may help. Clearly degenerating the lyrics from meaningful words to just a repetitive list of simplistic meaningless words is not doing the trick.

Colouring pens, pencils, paint and crayons encourage art. Art brings joy, which encourages consumption which uses resources which leads to climate change. Pens also encourage non-digital  communication which may not be fact checked and thus spread disinformation.

This concludes the preliminary findings of the Joy Reduction Committee (JRC). They are continuing their vital work to make as many people miserable as possible. More data will be released as the JRC heads up the formation of the International Committee for Joy Reduction (ICJR).  

Praise the dear leader.